Recent Poll finds most American workers would gladly lobotomize themselves to escape the abject horrors of 9-5 office work.
By The Daily Simulation
In a shocking yet somehow deeply relatable new poll conducted by the South Harmon Institute of Technology, 90% of full-time office workers admitted they would gladly undergo a highly experimental brain surgery to completely sever their work consciousness if it meant they could live their personal lives uninterrupted by emails, meetings, and mandatory “fun” Slack channels.
The procedure—popularized by the Apple TV+ show Severance—involves a chip implanted in the brain that splits the subject’s consciousness into two entities: one that lives only at work (“Innie”) and one that never experiences work at all (“Outie”). The procedure is experimental, horrifying, and ethically ambiguous.
Still, respondents said it sounds like a dream come true.
“Wait, you’re telling me there’s a version of me that goes to work every day, does everything, and I don’t remember a single second of it?” said Rachel Kim, a 34-year-old insurance claims adjuster who has kept an “I HATE MONDAYS” mug ironically for 11 years. “Where do I sign? And do you have a referral link I can forward to a colleague?”
According to the South Harmon Institute of Technology, the vast majority of Millennials and Gen Z respondents said they’d opt into the procedure “without hesitation.” Only a handful of Millennial respondents said that they want to, but would feel “mad guilty leaving their work consciousness trapped in a cubicle hell for eternity.” The Baby Boomer respondents were mixed. Many who would opt out of the procedure cited religious reasons, or were middle managers who proudly referred to themselves as “Team Leads”, and reported being “deeply fulfilled” by their work (the Mr. Milchick type). A few of the Baby Boomer respondents even went on to say that they value consciously going to work as it gives them peace away from their families.
A National Epidemic of Job Ennui
“This is the logical conclusion of late-stage capitalism,” said Dr. Emily Withers, lead researcher at South Harmon Institute of Technology. “We’ve spent decades convincing people to conflate their identities with their jobs. Now they want to surgically remove that part of themselves. It’s poetic. It’s tragic. It’s very American.”
The survey’s findings also revealed that the top reasons people wanted the procedure included:
- “So I can never feel the ‘Sunday Scaries’ ever again.”
- “Because I hate being another cog in the wheel.”
- “So my boss doesn’t ruin my day anymore.”
- “So I never have to hear the word ‘synergy’ again.”
- “There’s someone in accounting that is one late mortgage payment away from doing something drastic.”
One respondent, who wished to remain anonymous due to fear of professional retaliation, said: “Look, I have three monitors, two deadlines, and one dream: unconsciousness between 9 and 5.”
Corporate America Responds… Poorly
CEOs across the country were initially excited by the poll, assuming it was a new productivity hack.
“This is a win-win,” said Gary Mantle, VP of Innovation at TaskMatrix Industries. “Employees get emotional detachment, and we get robots who still technically have human rights. Finally, a solution that boosts morale without having to pay anyone more!”
However, after realizing that “Outies” would become impossible to manipulate with vague corporate incentives like “exposure,” “office pizza,” or “casual Fridays,” executives began walking back their enthusiasm.
“We’re looking into a less extreme solution,” Mantle said. “Like giving everyone an Oculus headset with a forest screensaver.”
Ethicists Warn: Maybe Don’t Do This?
Despite the public’s eagerness, ethicists, philosophers, and your friend who watches Black Mirror too much all raised serious concerns.
“Imagine creating a second self whose only experience of existence is spreadsheets, microwaved salmon smells, and passive-aggressive Teams messages,” said Dr. Julian Weber, professor of Applied Ethics at UC Berkeley. “It’s essentially creating a conscious Roomba for capitalism.”
Others worry the technology, if ever made real, could be used to exploit workers further.
“Severance would allow companies to demand endless labor from an employee who doesn’t even know they’re being overworked,” said Weber. “That’s not work-life balance. That’s just slavery with plausible deniability.”
Meanwhile, at the Watercooler
Even as experts debate the ethics, American workers seem ready to forget their jobs—literally.
“Honestly, the only thing stopping me is the idea that my work-self might somehow be happier than I am,” said James Liu, an accountant who hasn’t felt joy since the tax code changed in 2017. “But if he is happier, then screw him. He can stay there.”
Others have already begun DIY “severance” practices, including:
- Practicing blackout meditation from 8:59 a.m. to 5:01 p.m.
- Creating a second identity on LinkedIn with a fake job title like “Emotionally Absent Synergist”
- Listening to white noise until their souls leave their bodies
As for whether the procedure will ever become real, scientists say we’re decades away from developing memory-partitioning technology.
“Until then,” said Dr. Withers, “you’ll just have to keep pretending you’re fine. Or become a barista.”
